Just another update in a pretty boring life...

    I am sitting here in my living room, the BCS National Championship blaring on the TV, my dog is resting against my foot, I am eating left over Christmas candy while googling things for work. Things like table overlays, cyclone towers, satin sashes to tie over linen chair covers...you know normal stuff.  But I love it, at least this far...my new change for 2011 is off to a beautiful start!  I love going to work knowing that I am about to learn something new, that my opinion is valued, and my passion for decor and organization is being fed.  It is a far cry from my time processing freight, folding camis and dealing with petty co-worker drama.  Ahhh bliss!

    We had a 48 hour trip to Montana to visit my family and had a small belated Christmas, granted it was in a hotel lobby but it was beautiful.  It was wonderful seeing my family.  My little brother is taller than me now and more sarcastic than me (he learned from the best).  My Mom looked amazing and was beaming over her personal training, but still became slightly teary-eyed when I got into Kory's truck to leave, I pretended I didn't notice.  My older brother, Zack, and his wife, Sabrina, were absolutely thrilled for the arrival of their first child, a son, in 3-4 weeks.  My Dad was his usual silly and animated self, some things never change. 

    It is hard to think that I don't know when I will be able to go back.  I hope and pray that it will be in a month or two as I would like to meet my nephew while he is still small, red, and sleepy.  Because after April, wedding season begins, all the chaos will begin and trips to Montana will be just a phantom dream until the end of October. 

   My little Virginia friend, I call her that because she is in fact short and skinny as well as from Virginia, will be venturing her way into eastern Oregon...brave, brave girl.  Good thing she'll have me to show her the ropes for a few days and introduce her two what life in small town Oregon is like, which basically means we will be sitting in my house watching smut-television and eating junk, epic.  I hope Kory doesn't mind Lady Gaga and Britney Spears!

   Taco meat is ready, the pup and the boy want attention and the blog is updated. AMEN!

Reflecting on 2010

I hate to be 'Negative Nancy' or 'Downer Debbie', but I am so ecstatic to see 2010 pass.  I worked a lot, cried a lot, exercised a lot and moved my life.  Life in Oregon wasn't easy to adjust to, in fact, the last 6 months here has been some of the hardest for me.  Well I am happy to report that I have made a change for 2011!  I quit the job that I wasn't happy at, I am starting a job that I am actually excited for and Kory and I seem more passionately in love than ever.   Even though I am not exactly where I want to be, I love the fact that I am finally content.  Here is to 2011!

I am trying, but I still play 'What If'

Well, I am trying.  We set up a big, beautiful, REAL tree and decorated it with classic ball ornaments and sparkly snowflakes.  I turn on Christmas music when it is appropriate, shake my snow globes every so often to see the sparkles and snow flurry around an ice skating Santa and I wrapped all the gifts and placed them perfectly under the tree so it'll look like something out of 'Better Homes and Gardens'.  I set out all our Christmas DVDs so they are readily available for someone in the spirit to watch 'A Charlie Brown Christmas' or 'Elf'.  I even made a stocking for my dog, Mitch, and hung it on the wall.  You can't say I am not trying. 
Needless to say, I find myself crying every few days.  I don't know if it is the holidays that are depressing me, the fact that I am run down by work, both physically and mentally, or if I am just plain home sick.  I suppose I have to check D: All of the above.  Kory seems annoyed when I tell him I feel empty, sad and home sick.  I know he misses MT too but he blames my feelings on the fact that I am not trying.  Not trying?  I moved away from my entire life to be with him, I set up a home with him, I have worked hard for almost 5 months in a job I honestly dislike just to contribute to a life with him.  If you ask me, that is trying pretty damn hard.  He says that if I find a job that I like or at least keeps me content, then I will learn to like it here.  True, a job I like would take some stress off my situation, but it would never make this place MY home. 
Sometimes I play 'What If'...
What if I never moved here?  What if Kory and I continued to do the long distance thing?  What if I went to law school instead of backing away from it?  What if I stayed engaged and eventually married Stuart?  What if I was pregnant a year and a half ago when the doctor noticed my swollen uterus?  What if I decided to leave Kory when he had a drinking problem?  Where would I be?  Would I be happier?  Only the next few months will tell, I made a promise to myself that if I feel the same way in 6 more months, I need to choose myself and my happiness over being where Kory is.  If our relationship is as strong as it seems, we will find a way to work it out if I decided to go back home.  I love Kory, but I cannot devote myself to someone if I can't be happy with myself.  It is an internal battle that is getting worse and the empty feeling is becoming more frequent as time goes by.  It is time to make a change, for me.

Bah Humbug!

Dear Holidays,

I know you are inevitable.  I can't stop time and I know you're coming.  The weather shows it, commercials and retail stores show it, and my bank account shows it.  You come earlier every year and I swear I heard "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" on Halloween.  I work in retail so a Christmas song in early November is quite normal but this year, I don't want you to happen.

Don't get me wrong, I love you.  This time of year is wonderful and reminds us all of Jesus and childhood memories but it is also a reminder of family and sharing you with them.  This year, I wont have that.  The first Christmas in 22 years that I will not share with them.  I am not looking forward to that.  So please don't come just yet. 

For the first time, I am not looking forward to the wonderful food, the Christmas eve anticipation, or the decorating.  I just don't want it.  I don't mean to be a scrooge to you, Holidays, but you must understand, I am not ready for you.  I am dreading you, I am dreading the empty feeling I will feel the 24th and 25th with out my family.  I am dreading opening gifts over the phone and attending a Christmas eve church service I am not used to.  Please don't come. 

Thank you,
Amber

Attention: I appear to be an adult again!

Well, here I am running my tongue over my smooth and slick teeth.  It has been the first time in over a year that I could say that.  After indulging myself in Dr. K's eyes as he pulled off each bracket one by one, I was told to go look in the mirror.  All of a sudden, the clouds seperated, a ray of sunshine penetrated through the darkness while a gospel choir broke out into song.  There I was- I had almost forgotten what I looked like without metal tracks and bands covering all my teeth.  I smiled at myself, then stetched my lips as far back as possible to examine what 6k looks like in terms of orthodontia.  Then I smiled again, moved my hair into the perfect place, pursed my lips and then flashed those pearly whites again...where is Dr. K when it is necessary for him to see me in the way I was intended to look?  I left his office feeling amazing, I took every opportunity to entice Kory with my new chops...needless to say, he didn't catch on.  Anyway, here I am :D

Adult Braces

Although my work situation isn't looking up much, the good news is my braces will be coming off in a matter of days!  I haven't mentioned my braces much because I have spent the last year trying to hide them.  Not only did I go with the clear brackets, but attempted many times to blur them out with eye make-up that make my eyes 'pop' more or a low cut shirt that grabs the attention away from my metal mouth (and they say I didn't learn anything from Hooters).  Needless to say, people noticed them...the braces, I mean, and well maybe the other things too.  Bouncers at bars had to do a double take at my I.D. to make sure I wasn't 12 and preteens would ask who my orthodontst was.  While working at Hooters, people would ask what year I was in school and after telling them I was finished with school, they would follow with an "are you planning on going to college?"...um, been there, done that.

Anyway, I am pleased to announce that almost exactly a year from that dreadful day I got these train-tracks on, my teeth have moved to the point where they need to be and the braces are no longer needed-- JACKPOT!  When I say the 'dreadful day', I am not being dramatic...I actually mean that day was awful.  I just got back from a vacationing Las Vegas and was welcomed by Montana's first October frost while getting off the plane and on top of that, Kory and I spent the night fighting and practically broke up hours before my appointment.  When I got the braces on, it felt weird but all was good.  Until I tried to eat, my mouth felt so weird and I couldn't chew, so then I got hungry, and then cranky.  Kory and I resolved our issues but I was so miserable with braces that I made sure to go out of my way to get mad at him in resentment.

 The next two weeks my mouth was still sore and all I had been able to eat was soup, jello and applesauce.  My brackets kept getting loose and I was still self-conscious at work and felt ugly.  I thought the whole world was out to hurt me, I regretted telling my mom (at 16 yrs) that I wanted to wait till I was an adult to get braces when now I realize I could've had them when everyone else did.  I was alone (in the Hooters universe where everything is superficial and looks really DO matter)...okay, now is the moment that I can admit that yes, I was being dramatic, but it's in the past and now I have a set of teeth that are ready to sparkle on their own.

One downside though, my orthodontist, Dr. K, is a total fox...I will miss my bi-monthly visits to him.

Bullies

I am not sure if you have noticed this lately but doesn't it seem like there is a TON of coverage on child-bullying?  There was purple spirit day, endless news stories on bully boxes and deaths caused by supposed bullying.  Celebrites are now posting online videos about how they were bullied all the time growing up...um WHAT?  Are we supposed to believe this?  You mean someone who was beautiful, talented and ended up being adored by millions was bullied?  Anyway, this is my take on bullies.
There have always been bullies. At school, at work, on the playground, and now with the wonderful internet-online too.  I bet in caveman times there were bully cavemen that shuffled around and teased/humilated other cavemen.   It happens.  Heck, I think it happens to the best of us.  Actually, it happens to all of us.  If you ask anyone to recall a time in their life where they encountered a bully, they probably have a story for you.  It may be the most tear-jerking story ever involving swirlies and 4 years living in a locker, or it may be as small as some snot-nosed kid calling you a 'dumb-dumb' or a vicous girl spreading a rumor about you that now you dont remember. There is different levels of it and we've all encountered it sometime in our life.  Yes, even celebrities. 
True, there are ways of stopping a bully...for the moment. You can call them a name back (if you want to get punched), give them some sarcasm (my personal favorite), tell an adult (this only works of you're kid...it seems adults don't care if other adults are calling eachother names), or my mom's personal favorite, ignore them.  Yeah, ignoring them doesn't solve the problem, Mom, if anything it makes them think they should do it more often and louder because they think you didn't hear them...bullies aren't too smart.  Another mom myth debunked- when a little boy teases a little girl, it doesn't mean he secretly likes her.  It generally means he actually does think she is a 'poopy-head' and hates all females at the moment.  It also sends us young girls a message that when a guy is a dick head to you it means he likes you and wants to date you, thus we go for the wrong guys later on in life.  So we've established that bullies are not dateable either. 
Actually, I did date a bully.  I was twelve so when I say date I mean we held hands at school and told people we were 'going together'.  One day he decided he no longer liked me and dumped me over a note.  He also included a hand drawn picture of me with a big pointy nose and other unflattering features.  I'd say his artisitic ability was sub-par and his gesture was a little immature, but as a twelve year old girl, I was devastated.  Not at the fact that he broke up with me, but at the fact he went about teasing me about my "beak of a nose".  He called me AmBIRD and skawked at me in the halls, pretty dumb I know...but in my pre-teen existence,it was about the worst moment of my life!  Anyway, I moved on and I have to agree I have a big nose, so what? 
It's a family trait and when I was in the womb, I didn't get to have a conference call with God to discuss my physical features, so it is what it is.  Some people inherit obesity, bad acne, and big feet...I got a big nose, big deal.  Sure there are times I would like to get the bump on the bridge of my nose fixed but in no way am I so uncomfortable with my looks that I would feel down on myself.  Now-a-days, if a guy I was dating felt the urge to make fun of my nose or anyother uncontrollable feature of mine, I'd tell him where to shove it and kick him to the curb...now that's how I handle bullies, ya'll. 

Will Justin be the only person to comment on my nose?  Nope.  Once a drunk girl in a bar came up to me and said "OMG, you would be soooo pretty if you got your nose fixed!", I was so shocked by that stranger's comment that I didn't say anything but laughed.  I guess I thought it was funny that she was a drunk girl alone in a bar going around making an ass of herself, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt.  Another time, a guy at a party (obviously bullies don't do well with liquor) told me I 'looked like a Jew'.  I was thrown aback by this and then I realized what he was talking about.  Racial antisemitism towards Jewish people included making cartoons are jokes about their larger noses.  While I am not Jewish and geneolgy research shows that none of my traceable ancestors were either, I still found this comment to be disgusting.  Not because he commented on my nose but more of the prejudice against a religous group (that is often bullied)...haven't we gotten past this?  I guess not. 

Anyway, Kids, it happens to everyone and trust me, life gets better...especially after high school.  So keep your head held high, kick that idiot of a boyfriend to the curb, laugh at the drunk idiots at the bar and move on.  Now go, show those bullies who's boss !  :)