Thursday, December 30, 2010
Reflecting on 2010
I hate to be 'Negative Nancy' or 'Downer Debbie', but I am so ecstatic to see 2010 pass. I worked a lot, cried a lot, exercised a lot and moved my life. Life in Oregon wasn't easy to adjust to, in fact, the last 6 months here has been some of the hardest for me. Well I am happy to report that I have made a change for 2011! I quit the job that I wasn't happy at, I am starting a job that I am actually excited for and Kory and I seem more passionately in love than ever. Even though I am not exactly where I want to be, I love the fact that I am finally content. Here is to 2011!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
I am trying, but I still play 'What If'
Well, I am trying. We set up a big, beautiful, REAL tree and decorated it with classic ball ornaments and sparkly snowflakes. I turn on Christmas music when it is appropriate, shake my snow globes every so often to see the sparkles and snow flurry around an ice skating Santa and I wrapped all the gifts and placed them perfectly under the tree so it'll look like something out of 'Better Homes and Gardens'. I set out all our Christmas DVDs so they are readily available for someone in the spirit to watch 'A Charlie Brown Christmas' or 'Elf'. I even made a stocking for my dog, Mitch, and hung it on the wall. You can't say I am not trying.
Needless to say, I find myself crying every few days. I don't know if it is the holidays that are depressing me, the fact that I am run down by work, both physically and mentally, or if I am just plain home sick. I suppose I have to check D: All of the above. Kory seems annoyed when I tell him I feel empty, sad and home sick. I know he misses MT too but he blames my feelings on the fact that I am not trying. Not trying? I moved away from my entire life to be with him, I set up a home with him, I have worked hard for almost 5 months in a job I honestly dislike just to contribute to a life with him. If you ask me, that is trying pretty damn hard. He says that if I find a job that I like or at least keeps me content, then I will learn to like it here. True, a job I like would take some stress off my situation, but it would never make this place MY home.
Sometimes I play 'What If'...
What if I never moved here? What if Kory and I continued to do the long distance thing? What if I went to law school instead of backing away from it? What if I stayed engaged and eventually married Stuart? What if I was pregnant a year and a half ago when the doctor noticed my swollen uterus? What if I decided to leave Kory when he had a drinking problem? Where would I be? Would I be happier? Only the next few months will tell, I made a promise to myself that if I feel the same way in 6 more months, I need to choose myself and my happiness over being where Kory is. If our relationship is as strong as it seems, we will find a way to work it out if I decided to go back home. I love Kory, but I cannot devote myself to someone if I can't be happy with myself. It is an internal battle that is getting worse and the empty feeling is becoming more frequent as time goes by. It is time to make a change, for me.
Needless to say, I find myself crying every few days. I don't know if it is the holidays that are depressing me, the fact that I am run down by work, both physically and mentally, or if I am just plain home sick. I suppose I have to check D: All of the above. Kory seems annoyed when I tell him I feel empty, sad and home sick. I know he misses MT too but he blames my feelings on the fact that I am not trying. Not trying? I moved away from my entire life to be with him, I set up a home with him, I have worked hard for almost 5 months in a job I honestly dislike just to contribute to a life with him. If you ask me, that is trying pretty damn hard. He says that if I find a job that I like or at least keeps me content, then I will learn to like it here. True, a job I like would take some stress off my situation, but it would never make this place MY home.
Sometimes I play 'What If'...
What if I never moved here? What if Kory and I continued to do the long distance thing? What if I went to law school instead of backing away from it? What if I stayed engaged and eventually married Stuart? What if I was pregnant a year and a half ago when the doctor noticed my swollen uterus? What if I decided to leave Kory when he had a drinking problem? Where would I be? Would I be happier? Only the next few months will tell, I made a promise to myself that if I feel the same way in 6 more months, I need to choose myself and my happiness over being where Kory is. If our relationship is as strong as it seems, we will find a way to work it out if I decided to go back home. I love Kory, but I cannot devote myself to someone if I can't be happy with myself. It is an internal battle that is getting worse and the empty feeling is becoming more frequent as time goes by. It is time to make a change, for me.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Bah Humbug!
Dear Holidays,
I know you are inevitable. I can't stop time and I know you're coming. The weather shows it, commercials and retail stores show it, and my bank account shows it. You come earlier every year and I swear I heard "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" on Halloween. I work in retail so a Christmas song in early November is quite normal but this year, I don't want you to happen.
Don't get me wrong, I love you. This time of year is wonderful and reminds us all of Jesus and childhood memories but it is also a reminder of family and sharing you with them. This year, I wont have that. The first Christmas in 22 years that I will not share with them. I am not looking forward to that. So please don't come just yet.
For the first time, I am not looking forward to the wonderful food, the Christmas eve anticipation, or the decorating. I just don't want it. I don't mean to be a scrooge to you, Holidays, but you must understand, I am not ready for you. I am dreading you, I am dreading the empty feeling I will feel the 24th and 25th with out my family. I am dreading opening gifts over the phone and attending a Christmas eve church service I am not used to. Please don't come.
Thank you,
Amber
I know you are inevitable. I can't stop time and I know you're coming. The weather shows it, commercials and retail stores show it, and my bank account shows it. You come earlier every year and I swear I heard "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" on Halloween. I work in retail so a Christmas song in early November is quite normal but this year, I don't want you to happen.
Don't get me wrong, I love you. This time of year is wonderful and reminds us all of Jesus and childhood memories but it is also a reminder of family and sharing you with them. This year, I wont have that. The first Christmas in 22 years that I will not share with them. I am not looking forward to that. So please don't come just yet.
For the first time, I am not looking forward to the wonderful food, the Christmas eve anticipation, or the decorating. I just don't want it. I don't mean to be a scrooge to you, Holidays, but you must understand, I am not ready for you. I am dreading you, I am dreading the empty feeling I will feel the 24th and 25th with out my family. I am dreading opening gifts over the phone and attending a Christmas eve church service I am not used to. Please don't come.
Thank you,
Amber
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