I am trying, but I still play 'What If'

Well, I am trying.  We set up a big, beautiful, REAL tree and decorated it with classic ball ornaments and sparkly snowflakes.  I turn on Christmas music when it is appropriate, shake my snow globes every so often to see the sparkles and snow flurry around an ice skating Santa and I wrapped all the gifts and placed them perfectly under the tree so it'll look like something out of 'Better Homes and Gardens'.  I set out all our Christmas DVDs so they are readily available for someone in the spirit to watch 'A Charlie Brown Christmas' or 'Elf'.  I even made a stocking for my dog, Mitch, and hung it on the wall.  You can't say I am not trying. 
Needless to say, I find myself crying every few days.  I don't know if it is the holidays that are depressing me, the fact that I am run down by work, both physically and mentally, or if I am just plain home sick.  I suppose I have to check D: All of the above.  Kory seems annoyed when I tell him I feel empty, sad and home sick.  I know he misses MT too but he blames my feelings on the fact that I am not trying.  Not trying?  I moved away from my entire life to be with him, I set up a home with him, I have worked hard for almost 5 months in a job I honestly dislike just to contribute to a life with him.  If you ask me, that is trying pretty damn hard.  He says that if I find a job that I like or at least keeps me content, then I will learn to like it here.  True, a job I like would take some stress off my situation, but it would never make this place MY home. 
Sometimes I play 'What If'...
What if I never moved here?  What if Kory and I continued to do the long distance thing?  What if I went to law school instead of backing away from it?  What if I stayed engaged and eventually married Stuart?  What if I was pregnant a year and a half ago when the doctor noticed my swollen uterus?  What if I decided to leave Kory when he had a drinking problem?  Where would I be?  Would I be happier?  Only the next few months will tell, I made a promise to myself that if I feel the same way in 6 more months, I need to choose myself and my happiness over being where Kory is.  If our relationship is as strong as it seems, we will find a way to work it out if I decided to go back home.  I love Kory, but I cannot devote myself to someone if I can't be happy with myself.  It is an internal battle that is getting worse and the empty feeling is becoming more frequent as time goes by.  It is time to make a change, for me.