I am trying, but I still play 'What If'

Well, I am trying.  We set up a big, beautiful, REAL tree and decorated it with classic ball ornaments and sparkly snowflakes.  I turn on Christmas music when it is appropriate, shake my snow globes every so often to see the sparkles and snow flurry around an ice skating Santa and I wrapped all the gifts and placed them perfectly under the tree so it'll look like something out of 'Better Homes and Gardens'.  I set out all our Christmas DVDs so they are readily available for someone in the spirit to watch 'A Charlie Brown Christmas' or 'Elf'.  I even made a stocking for my dog, Mitch, and hung it on the wall.  You can't say I am not trying. 
Needless to say, I find myself crying every few days.  I don't know if it is the holidays that are depressing me, the fact that I am run down by work, both physically and mentally, or if I am just plain home sick.  I suppose I have to check D: All of the above.  Kory seems annoyed when I tell him I feel empty, sad and home sick.  I know he misses MT too but he blames my feelings on the fact that I am not trying.  Not trying?  I moved away from my entire life to be with him, I set up a home with him, I have worked hard for almost 5 months in a job I honestly dislike just to contribute to a life with him.  If you ask me, that is trying pretty damn hard.  He says that if I find a job that I like or at least keeps me content, then I will learn to like it here.  True, a job I like would take some stress off my situation, but it would never make this place MY home. 
Sometimes I play 'What If'...
What if I never moved here?  What if Kory and I continued to do the long distance thing?  What if I went to law school instead of backing away from it?  What if I stayed engaged and eventually married Stuart?  What if I was pregnant a year and a half ago when the doctor noticed my swollen uterus?  What if I decided to leave Kory when he had a drinking problem?  Where would I be?  Would I be happier?  Only the next few months will tell, I made a promise to myself that if I feel the same way in 6 more months, I need to choose myself and my happiness over being where Kory is.  If our relationship is as strong as it seems, we will find a way to work it out if I decided to go back home.  I love Kory, but I cannot devote myself to someone if I can't be happy with myself.  It is an internal battle that is getting worse and the empty feeling is becoming more frequent as time goes by.  It is time to make a change, for me.

Bah Humbug!

Dear Holidays,

I know you are inevitable.  I can't stop time and I know you're coming.  The weather shows it, commercials and retail stores show it, and my bank account shows it.  You come earlier every year and I swear I heard "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" on Halloween.  I work in retail so a Christmas song in early November is quite normal but this year, I don't want you to happen.

Don't get me wrong, I love you.  This time of year is wonderful and reminds us all of Jesus and childhood memories but it is also a reminder of family and sharing you with them.  This year, I wont have that.  The first Christmas in 22 years that I will not share with them.  I am not looking forward to that.  So please don't come just yet. 

For the first time, I am not looking forward to the wonderful food, the Christmas eve anticipation, or the decorating.  I just don't want it.  I don't mean to be a scrooge to you, Holidays, but you must understand, I am not ready for you.  I am dreading you, I am dreading the empty feeling I will feel the 24th and 25th with out my family.  I am dreading opening gifts over the phone and attending a Christmas eve church service I am not used to.  Please don't come. 

Thank you,
Amber

Attention: I appear to be an adult again!

Well, here I am running my tongue over my smooth and slick teeth.  It has been the first time in over a year that I could say that.  After indulging myself in Dr. K's eyes as he pulled off each bracket one by one, I was told to go look in the mirror.  All of a sudden, the clouds seperated, a ray of sunshine penetrated through the darkness while a gospel choir broke out into song.  There I was- I had almost forgotten what I looked like without metal tracks and bands covering all my teeth.  I smiled at myself, then stetched my lips as far back as possible to examine what 6k looks like in terms of orthodontia.  Then I smiled again, moved my hair into the perfect place, pursed my lips and then flashed those pearly whites again...where is Dr. K when it is necessary for him to see me in the way I was intended to look?  I left his office feeling amazing, I took every opportunity to entice Kory with my new chops...needless to say, he didn't catch on.  Anyway, here I am :D

Adult Braces

Although my work situation isn't looking up much, the good news is my braces will be coming off in a matter of days!  I haven't mentioned my braces much because I have spent the last year trying to hide them.  Not only did I go with the clear brackets, but attempted many times to blur them out with eye make-up that make my eyes 'pop' more or a low cut shirt that grabs the attention away from my metal mouth (and they say I didn't learn anything from Hooters).  Needless to say, people noticed them...the braces, I mean, and well maybe the other things too.  Bouncers at bars had to do a double take at my I.D. to make sure I wasn't 12 and preteens would ask who my orthodontst was.  While working at Hooters, people would ask what year I was in school and after telling them I was finished with school, they would follow with an "are you planning on going to college?"...um, been there, done that.

Anyway, I am pleased to announce that almost exactly a year from that dreadful day I got these train-tracks on, my teeth have moved to the point where they need to be and the braces are no longer needed-- JACKPOT!  When I say the 'dreadful day', I am not being dramatic...I actually mean that day was awful.  I just got back from a vacationing Las Vegas and was welcomed by Montana's first October frost while getting off the plane and on top of that, Kory and I spent the night fighting and practically broke up hours before my appointment.  When I got the braces on, it felt weird but all was good.  Until I tried to eat, my mouth felt so weird and I couldn't chew, so then I got hungry, and then cranky.  Kory and I resolved our issues but I was so miserable with braces that I made sure to go out of my way to get mad at him in resentment.

 The next two weeks my mouth was still sore and all I had been able to eat was soup, jello and applesauce.  My brackets kept getting loose and I was still self-conscious at work and felt ugly.  I thought the whole world was out to hurt me, I regretted telling my mom (at 16 yrs) that I wanted to wait till I was an adult to get braces when now I realize I could've had them when everyone else did.  I was alone (in the Hooters universe where everything is superficial and looks really DO matter)...okay, now is the moment that I can admit that yes, I was being dramatic, but it's in the past and now I have a set of teeth that are ready to sparkle on their own.

One downside though, my orthodontist, Dr. K, is a total fox...I will miss my bi-monthly visits to him.

Bullies

I am not sure if you have noticed this lately but doesn't it seem like there is a TON of coverage on child-bullying?  There was purple spirit day, endless news stories on bully boxes and deaths caused by supposed bullying.  Celebrites are now posting online videos about how they were bullied all the time growing up...um WHAT?  Are we supposed to believe this?  You mean someone who was beautiful, talented and ended up being adored by millions was bullied?  Anyway, this is my take on bullies.
There have always been bullies. At school, at work, on the playground, and now with the wonderful internet-online too.  I bet in caveman times there were bully cavemen that shuffled around and teased/humilated other cavemen.   It happens.  Heck, I think it happens to the best of us.  Actually, it happens to all of us.  If you ask anyone to recall a time in their life where they encountered a bully, they probably have a story for you.  It may be the most tear-jerking story ever involving swirlies and 4 years living in a locker, or it may be as small as some snot-nosed kid calling you a 'dumb-dumb' or a vicous girl spreading a rumor about you that now you dont remember. There is different levels of it and we've all encountered it sometime in our life.  Yes, even celebrities. 
True, there are ways of stopping a bully...for the moment. You can call them a name back (if you want to get punched), give them some sarcasm (my personal favorite), tell an adult (this only works of you're kid...it seems adults don't care if other adults are calling eachother names), or my mom's personal favorite, ignore them.  Yeah, ignoring them doesn't solve the problem, Mom, if anything it makes them think they should do it more often and louder because they think you didn't hear them...bullies aren't too smart.  Another mom myth debunked- when a little boy teases a little girl, it doesn't mean he secretly likes her.  It generally means he actually does think she is a 'poopy-head' and hates all females at the moment.  It also sends us young girls a message that when a guy is a dick head to you it means he likes you and wants to date you, thus we go for the wrong guys later on in life.  So we've established that bullies are not dateable either. 
Actually, I did date a bully.  I was twelve so when I say date I mean we held hands at school and told people we were 'going together'.  One day he decided he no longer liked me and dumped me over a note.  He also included a hand drawn picture of me with a big pointy nose and other unflattering features.  I'd say his artisitic ability was sub-par and his gesture was a little immature, but as a twelve year old girl, I was devastated.  Not at the fact that he broke up with me, but at the fact he went about teasing me about my "beak of a nose".  He called me AmBIRD and skawked at me in the halls, pretty dumb I know...but in my pre-teen existence,it was about the worst moment of my life!  Anyway, I moved on and I have to agree I have a big nose, so what? 
It's a family trait and when I was in the womb, I didn't get to have a conference call with God to discuss my physical features, so it is what it is.  Some people inherit obesity, bad acne, and big feet...I got a big nose, big deal.  Sure there are times I would like to get the bump on the bridge of my nose fixed but in no way am I so uncomfortable with my looks that I would feel down on myself.  Now-a-days, if a guy I was dating felt the urge to make fun of my nose or anyother uncontrollable feature of mine, I'd tell him where to shove it and kick him to the curb...now that's how I handle bullies, ya'll. 

Will Justin be the only person to comment on my nose?  Nope.  Once a drunk girl in a bar came up to me and said "OMG, you would be soooo pretty if you got your nose fixed!", I was so shocked by that stranger's comment that I didn't say anything but laughed.  I guess I thought it was funny that she was a drunk girl alone in a bar going around making an ass of herself, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt.  Another time, a guy at a party (obviously bullies don't do well with liquor) told me I 'looked like a Jew'.  I was thrown aback by this and then I realized what he was talking about.  Racial antisemitism towards Jewish people included making cartoons are jokes about their larger noses.  While I am not Jewish and geneolgy research shows that none of my traceable ancestors were either, I still found this comment to be disgusting.  Not because he commented on my nose but more of the prejudice against a religous group (that is often bullied)...haven't we gotten past this?  I guess not. 

Anyway, Kids, it happens to everyone and trust me, life gets better...especially after high school.  So keep your head held high, kick that idiot of a boyfriend to the curb, laugh at the drunk idiots at the bar and move on.  Now go, show those bullies who's boss !  :)

"We never really knew eachother"

A few weeks ago, I had a quick realization about how fast time had gone by. It started on facebook. While checking my recent notifications, a small chat window popped up at the bottom of my screen. It was Andy, someone I had been in on and off contact with for years. We shared small conversation- he was returning somewhere overseas from leave and I hadn't seen him in over 5 years. Sure, we had choppy conversations over messenger and txt but it never went beyond that since we had graduated high school and moved on to other things.
We caught up on things like who we were dating, what we were up to etc. and Andy said something to the likings of "I guess we never really knew eachother". This shocked me. Sure we had lost touch over the past few years but never knew each other? I immediately said something like "well we never saw each other much but we did talk on the phone a lot when we were younger", Andy agreed but continued to insist that he never really KNEW me.
Over 10 years ago, I was in middle school at a track meet. I noticed this small weird boy from another school following me around and my friend started to tease me about it. Little did I know, my friend thought this was so hilarious and told this boy that I would love to be his girlfriend and gave him my phone number (without me knowing). The following day I was flooded with phone calls from this odd boy, who sadly thought I was his girlfriend. Being 12, I made it clear to this boy, rather matter-a-factly, that this was a mistake and I was not interested. However, it was too late. Turns out this kid had told a handful of his friends that I was his girlfriend and gave my phone number to them as well. Thus more phone calls came my way, with prepubescent boys asking if I was really 'Ben's girlfriend'. After ensuring them that this was not the case, I continued to get phone calls from one of Ben's friends, Andy.
For over a year, a few times a week, I would speak with Andy on the phone for hours (you know, teenagers have a knack for doing that with ease). We never met face-to-face because he lived an hour away (which when you are young and without transportation, that's like in a different country). I think we both had crushes on each other but were not able to really do anything about it because of the distance, oh and the fact we didn't know what the other looked like. Almost every other day I would run home from school to wait for the phone to ring and the reliable voice of Andy on the other end. We would fantasize about when we would go to the same college and be roommates (yes, I know this is weird, but remember we were full of hormones at this point). I remember writing Andy letters (this was sort of before I utilized email) and sending pictures of me along with the letter. I would always hesitate on which picture to send but try to find the prettiest, most flattering one of me. I never received any mail or pictures from Andy.
One day, Andy informed me that his basketball team would be playing my junior high school's team at my school! I was incredibly nervous to meet him in person for the first time and looking at his basketball team, I had no idea as to which one was Andy. I sat alone on the bleachers waiting for one of the guys (presumably Andy) to come up to me. A few did, but none of them were Andy. Someone pointed him out to me and he continued to avoid me, I think he was shy, but at that time I panicked, wondering if he thought I was ugly. He finally came up to me and we had our first face-to-face conversation, I finally had a face to associate my long distance friend. The next few years we continued to speak over the phone, but rarely saw each other. Even when I had boyfriend or he had a girlfriend. we still continued our phone relationship-even into high school.
Infrequently, Andy would call and say he was in my town and we would meet up, sometimes at the park or after his tennis match. One day he even popped in at a diner I was working at to my surprise. One summer, he drove up to my hometown for the day to take me on our first date together, to a movie where he put his arm around me and we kissed for the first time. But that was all there ever was between us, distance, infrequent visits and countless phone calls. Sometimes we would fight on the phone or online like boyfriend & girlfriend, and I recall several times where we told each other that one day, when we are in the same town, we would date. That never happened. We lost touch the last two years of high school and we went on with our separate lives. I went to college, he went into the military. We would txt or chat online when we had time but that wasn't very often, especially since Andy was in the Middle East fighting a war.
We both met other people and lived separate lives. Which landed us at the previously mentioned chat on facebook that one morning. Andy made a point, we hadn't spent much time together, in fact, over the ten years we had known each other, we had only spent about .0013% of the time in the same room. But I have to disagree with the fact that we never really knew each other--
I knew Andy before I had ever knew what he looked like, I had more hours of phone conversation with him over the last 10 years than any other person. He was the first boy to tell me I was beautiful. I once cried to him over a stupid breakup with one of my countless boyfriends, I yelled at him when things weren't going exactly how it was supposed to, and we shared meaningless thoughts about the most random things but we listened to each other. At one point I knew Andy, I was close to him. Maybe not now, but I did. I may not know his family or his favorite food, but I know a part of Andy. And in retrospect of who I used to be, I know a part of me, that naive 12 year old girl, devoured every moment of conversation with Andy, and loved the relationship we used to have.
It is unsettling that Andy doesn't think he ever knew me, especially when I recall such great moments with him...but at the same time, I feel assured that I, at least, knew Andy and I know I shared a lot about myself with him, so maybe it is his loss that he doesn't remember those times or chose to remember our 'innocent' years. But I have to thank him for those memories and wish him the best in his future endeavours.

bummed and beaten

I know, I know it has been a while. My life finally picked up which leaves little to no downtime for me. Guess I took my 2 month unemployment break for granted. I finally have a job- not glamorous by any means but hopefully it can prepare me to get to the next step in the company if things go well. So far, I am having a rough time. Aside from being the new associate in a building full of people who have been coworkers for over a year, I am still having a tough time fitting in. I try to be friendly, outgoing and interested in all they have to offer but I can't help but feel they are holding back from accepting me. Look, I know I have to offer a lot to this company, I am educated, dedicated and full of personality and experience...but no one is letting me show it. I feel like either they assume I should already know everything down to the last detail (which of course I don't, I have only been there a month and only know what I have been trained thus far) or that they need to loom over everything I am doing to make sure it is perfect and if for some reason it isn't I am to be berated and bullied (in front of customers mind you) to 'put me in my place', which in retrospect, is 'the new person'....it is a never ending cycle.

Needless to say I have surrendered. I no longer try to be included in conversation or tasks at work. I keep to myself and focus on the task given. When I have a question, I will ask someone, only to receive eye rolls or a less than vauge answer that makes me wonder if they even bother to point me into the correct direction because either they honestly don't care or they don't want to share information and keep it to themselves for their personal benefit. Every night I go home defeated by them, I try not to let it get me down but its hard when you try your best and continuously get pushed down after you succeed at something.

Friends and family tell me that I should not try to prove anything to them, but don't I have to? They are my co-workers, they should feel confident in my knowledge and they obviously are choosing not to be. They have to see that I am somewhat beneficial to the company and that I am trying my best. I am sorry but anyone who doesn't strive to prove something at their job should reasses their goals, you have to prove something to somebody to get anywhere. Before the 'but you have to do it for yourself' motivational speech, I must repeat what I have mentioned before- I am educated (bachelors in business communication), experienced (degree aside, I have been working in customer service since I was 14, and have been very successful at it), dedicated (I graduated college in 3 years and made the dean's list, I also have always strived for the best whether it be at school or my job), and full of personality (I shouldn't have to explain this...I know myself well enough thank you ;) ). Long story short, I DO do it for myself, thats why I am taking risks, trying hard, thats why I strived for a higher education--for myself. Now I need to prove it to them, which is hard when they care less about me.

I know not many people read this blog...but if you do, I need advice, a pep-talk, encouraging words. What am I to do? I don't just want to give up and quit. Not only do I need the money but I am also relying on the health benefits (which I cannot get otherwise due to a pre-existing condition). Besides financial gain, I like this type of work and would like to be successful at THIS place because I know I am good at it. This is a hump I need to either get over or I need to do something........please help.