Reflecting on 2010

I hate to be 'Negative Nancy' or 'Downer Debbie', but I am so ecstatic to see 2010 pass.  I worked a lot, cried a lot, exercised a lot and moved my life.  Life in Oregon wasn't easy to adjust to, in fact, the last 6 months here has been some of the hardest for me.  Well I am happy to report that I have made a change for 2011!  I quit the job that I wasn't happy at, I am starting a job that I am actually excited for and Kory and I seem more passionately in love than ever.   Even though I am not exactly where I want to be, I love the fact that I am finally content.  Here is to 2011!

I am trying, but I still play 'What If'

Well, I am trying.  We set up a big, beautiful, REAL tree and decorated it with classic ball ornaments and sparkly snowflakes.  I turn on Christmas music when it is appropriate, shake my snow globes every so often to see the sparkles and snow flurry around an ice skating Santa and I wrapped all the gifts and placed them perfectly under the tree so it'll look like something out of 'Better Homes and Gardens'.  I set out all our Christmas DVDs so they are readily available for someone in the spirit to watch 'A Charlie Brown Christmas' or 'Elf'.  I even made a stocking for my dog, Mitch, and hung it on the wall.  You can't say I am not trying. 
Needless to say, I find myself crying every few days.  I don't know if it is the holidays that are depressing me, the fact that I am run down by work, both physically and mentally, or if I am just plain home sick.  I suppose I have to check D: All of the above.  Kory seems annoyed when I tell him I feel empty, sad and home sick.  I know he misses MT too but he blames my feelings on the fact that I am not trying.  Not trying?  I moved away from my entire life to be with him, I set up a home with him, I have worked hard for almost 5 months in a job I honestly dislike just to contribute to a life with him.  If you ask me, that is trying pretty damn hard.  He says that if I find a job that I like or at least keeps me content, then I will learn to like it here.  True, a job I like would take some stress off my situation, but it would never make this place MY home. 
Sometimes I play 'What If'...
What if I never moved here?  What if Kory and I continued to do the long distance thing?  What if I went to law school instead of backing away from it?  What if I stayed engaged and eventually married Stuart?  What if I was pregnant a year and a half ago when the doctor noticed my swollen uterus?  What if I decided to leave Kory when he had a drinking problem?  Where would I be?  Would I be happier?  Only the next few months will tell, I made a promise to myself that if I feel the same way in 6 more months, I need to choose myself and my happiness over being where Kory is.  If our relationship is as strong as it seems, we will find a way to work it out if I decided to go back home.  I love Kory, but I cannot devote myself to someone if I can't be happy with myself.  It is an internal battle that is getting worse and the empty feeling is becoming more frequent as time goes by.  It is time to make a change, for me.

Bah Humbug!

Dear Holidays,

I know you are inevitable.  I can't stop time and I know you're coming.  The weather shows it, commercials and retail stores show it, and my bank account shows it.  You come earlier every year and I swear I heard "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" on Halloween.  I work in retail so a Christmas song in early November is quite normal but this year, I don't want you to happen.

Don't get me wrong, I love you.  This time of year is wonderful and reminds us all of Jesus and childhood memories but it is also a reminder of family and sharing you with them.  This year, I wont have that.  The first Christmas in 22 years that I will not share with them.  I am not looking forward to that.  So please don't come just yet. 

For the first time, I am not looking forward to the wonderful food, the Christmas eve anticipation, or the decorating.  I just don't want it.  I don't mean to be a scrooge to you, Holidays, but you must understand, I am not ready for you.  I am dreading you, I am dreading the empty feeling I will feel the 24th and 25th with out my family.  I am dreading opening gifts over the phone and attending a Christmas eve church service I am not used to.  Please don't come. 

Thank you,
Amber

Attention: I appear to be an adult again!

Well, here I am running my tongue over my smooth and slick teeth.  It has been the first time in over a year that I could say that.  After indulging myself in Dr. K's eyes as he pulled off each bracket one by one, I was told to go look in the mirror.  All of a sudden, the clouds seperated, a ray of sunshine penetrated through the darkness while a gospel choir broke out into song.  There I was- I had almost forgotten what I looked like without metal tracks and bands covering all my teeth.  I smiled at myself, then stetched my lips as far back as possible to examine what 6k looks like in terms of orthodontia.  Then I smiled again, moved my hair into the perfect place, pursed my lips and then flashed those pearly whites again...where is Dr. K when it is necessary for him to see me in the way I was intended to look?  I left his office feeling amazing, I took every opportunity to entice Kory with my new chops...needless to say, he didn't catch on.  Anyway, here I am :D

Adult Braces

Although my work situation isn't looking up much, the good news is my braces will be coming off in a matter of days!  I haven't mentioned my braces much because I have spent the last year trying to hide them.  Not only did I go with the clear brackets, but attempted many times to blur them out with eye make-up that make my eyes 'pop' more or a low cut shirt that grabs the attention away from my metal mouth (and they say I didn't learn anything from Hooters).  Needless to say, people noticed them...the braces, I mean, and well maybe the other things too.  Bouncers at bars had to do a double take at my I.D. to make sure I wasn't 12 and preteens would ask who my orthodontst was.  While working at Hooters, people would ask what year I was in school and after telling them I was finished with school, they would follow with an "are you planning on going to college?"...um, been there, done that.

Anyway, I am pleased to announce that almost exactly a year from that dreadful day I got these train-tracks on, my teeth have moved to the point where they need to be and the braces are no longer needed-- JACKPOT!  When I say the 'dreadful day', I am not being dramatic...I actually mean that day was awful.  I just got back from a vacationing Las Vegas and was welcomed by Montana's first October frost while getting off the plane and on top of that, Kory and I spent the night fighting and practically broke up hours before my appointment.  When I got the braces on, it felt weird but all was good.  Until I tried to eat, my mouth felt so weird and I couldn't chew, so then I got hungry, and then cranky.  Kory and I resolved our issues but I was so miserable with braces that I made sure to go out of my way to get mad at him in resentment.

 The next two weeks my mouth was still sore and all I had been able to eat was soup, jello and applesauce.  My brackets kept getting loose and I was still self-conscious at work and felt ugly.  I thought the whole world was out to hurt me, I regretted telling my mom (at 16 yrs) that I wanted to wait till I was an adult to get braces when now I realize I could've had them when everyone else did.  I was alone (in the Hooters universe where everything is superficial and looks really DO matter)...okay, now is the moment that I can admit that yes, I was being dramatic, but it's in the past and now I have a set of teeth that are ready to sparkle on their own.

One downside though, my orthodontist, Dr. K, is a total fox...I will miss my bi-monthly visits to him.

Bullies

I am not sure if you have noticed this lately but doesn't it seem like there is a TON of coverage on child-bullying?  There was purple spirit day, endless news stories on bully boxes and deaths caused by supposed bullying.  Celebrites are now posting online videos about how they were bullied all the time growing up...um WHAT?  Are we supposed to believe this?  You mean someone who was beautiful, talented and ended up being adored by millions was bullied?  Anyway, this is my take on bullies.
There have always been bullies. At school, at work, on the playground, and now with the wonderful internet-online too.  I bet in caveman times there were bully cavemen that shuffled around and teased/humilated other cavemen.   It happens.  Heck, I think it happens to the best of us.  Actually, it happens to all of us.  If you ask anyone to recall a time in their life where they encountered a bully, they probably have a story for you.  It may be the most tear-jerking story ever involving swirlies and 4 years living in a locker, or it may be as small as some snot-nosed kid calling you a 'dumb-dumb' or a vicous girl spreading a rumor about you that now you dont remember. There is different levels of it and we've all encountered it sometime in our life.  Yes, even celebrities. 
True, there are ways of stopping a bully...for the moment. You can call them a name back (if you want to get punched), give them some sarcasm (my personal favorite), tell an adult (this only works of you're kid...it seems adults don't care if other adults are calling eachother names), or my mom's personal favorite, ignore them.  Yeah, ignoring them doesn't solve the problem, Mom, if anything it makes them think they should do it more often and louder because they think you didn't hear them...bullies aren't too smart.  Another mom myth debunked- when a little boy teases a little girl, it doesn't mean he secretly likes her.  It generally means he actually does think she is a 'poopy-head' and hates all females at the moment.  It also sends us young girls a message that when a guy is a dick head to you it means he likes you and wants to date you, thus we go for the wrong guys later on in life.  So we've established that bullies are not dateable either. 
Actually, I did date a bully.  I was twelve so when I say date I mean we held hands at school and told people we were 'going together'.  One day he decided he no longer liked me and dumped me over a note.  He also included a hand drawn picture of me with a big pointy nose and other unflattering features.  I'd say his artisitic ability was sub-par and his gesture was a little immature, but as a twelve year old girl, I was devastated.  Not at the fact that he broke up with me, but at the fact he went about teasing me about my "beak of a nose".  He called me AmBIRD and skawked at me in the halls, pretty dumb I know...but in my pre-teen existence,it was about the worst moment of my life!  Anyway, I moved on and I have to agree I have a big nose, so what? 
It's a family trait and when I was in the womb, I didn't get to have a conference call with God to discuss my physical features, so it is what it is.  Some people inherit obesity, bad acne, and big feet...I got a big nose, big deal.  Sure there are times I would like to get the bump on the bridge of my nose fixed but in no way am I so uncomfortable with my looks that I would feel down on myself.  Now-a-days, if a guy I was dating felt the urge to make fun of my nose or anyother uncontrollable feature of mine, I'd tell him where to shove it and kick him to the curb...now that's how I handle bullies, ya'll. 

Will Justin be the only person to comment on my nose?  Nope.  Once a drunk girl in a bar came up to me and said "OMG, you would be soooo pretty if you got your nose fixed!", I was so shocked by that stranger's comment that I didn't say anything but laughed.  I guess I thought it was funny that she was a drunk girl alone in a bar going around making an ass of herself, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt.  Another time, a guy at a party (obviously bullies don't do well with liquor) told me I 'looked like a Jew'.  I was thrown aback by this and then I realized what he was talking about.  Racial antisemitism towards Jewish people included making cartoons are jokes about their larger noses.  While I am not Jewish and geneolgy research shows that none of my traceable ancestors were either, I still found this comment to be disgusting.  Not because he commented on my nose but more of the prejudice against a religous group (that is often bullied)...haven't we gotten past this?  I guess not. 

Anyway, Kids, it happens to everyone and trust me, life gets better...especially after high school.  So keep your head held high, kick that idiot of a boyfriend to the curb, laugh at the drunk idiots at the bar and move on.  Now go, show those bullies who's boss !  :)

"We never really knew eachother"

A few weeks ago, I had a quick realization about how fast time had gone by. It started on facebook. While checking my recent notifications, a small chat window popped up at the bottom of my screen. It was Andy, someone I had been in on and off contact with for years. We shared small conversation- he was returning somewhere overseas from leave and I hadn't seen him in over 5 years. Sure, we had choppy conversations over messenger and txt but it never went beyond that since we had graduated high school and moved on to other things.
We caught up on things like who we were dating, what we were up to etc. and Andy said something to the likings of "I guess we never really knew eachother". This shocked me. Sure we had lost touch over the past few years but never knew each other? I immediately said something like "well we never saw each other much but we did talk on the phone a lot when we were younger", Andy agreed but continued to insist that he never really KNEW me.
Over 10 years ago, I was in middle school at a track meet. I noticed this small weird boy from another school following me around and my friend started to tease me about it. Little did I know, my friend thought this was so hilarious and told this boy that I would love to be his girlfriend and gave him my phone number (without me knowing). The following day I was flooded with phone calls from this odd boy, who sadly thought I was his girlfriend. Being 12, I made it clear to this boy, rather matter-a-factly, that this was a mistake and I was not interested. However, it was too late. Turns out this kid had told a handful of his friends that I was his girlfriend and gave my phone number to them as well. Thus more phone calls came my way, with prepubescent boys asking if I was really 'Ben's girlfriend'. After ensuring them that this was not the case, I continued to get phone calls from one of Ben's friends, Andy.
For over a year, a few times a week, I would speak with Andy on the phone for hours (you know, teenagers have a knack for doing that with ease). We never met face-to-face because he lived an hour away (which when you are young and without transportation, that's like in a different country). I think we both had crushes on each other but were not able to really do anything about it because of the distance, oh and the fact we didn't know what the other looked like. Almost every other day I would run home from school to wait for the phone to ring and the reliable voice of Andy on the other end. We would fantasize about when we would go to the same college and be roommates (yes, I know this is weird, but remember we were full of hormones at this point). I remember writing Andy letters (this was sort of before I utilized email) and sending pictures of me along with the letter. I would always hesitate on which picture to send but try to find the prettiest, most flattering one of me. I never received any mail or pictures from Andy.
One day, Andy informed me that his basketball team would be playing my junior high school's team at my school! I was incredibly nervous to meet him in person for the first time and looking at his basketball team, I had no idea as to which one was Andy. I sat alone on the bleachers waiting for one of the guys (presumably Andy) to come up to me. A few did, but none of them were Andy. Someone pointed him out to me and he continued to avoid me, I think he was shy, but at that time I panicked, wondering if he thought I was ugly. He finally came up to me and we had our first face-to-face conversation, I finally had a face to associate my long distance friend. The next few years we continued to speak over the phone, but rarely saw each other. Even when I had boyfriend or he had a girlfriend. we still continued our phone relationship-even into high school.
Infrequently, Andy would call and say he was in my town and we would meet up, sometimes at the park or after his tennis match. One day he even popped in at a diner I was working at to my surprise. One summer, he drove up to my hometown for the day to take me on our first date together, to a movie where he put his arm around me and we kissed for the first time. But that was all there ever was between us, distance, infrequent visits and countless phone calls. Sometimes we would fight on the phone or online like boyfriend & girlfriend, and I recall several times where we told each other that one day, when we are in the same town, we would date. That never happened. We lost touch the last two years of high school and we went on with our separate lives. I went to college, he went into the military. We would txt or chat online when we had time but that wasn't very often, especially since Andy was in the Middle East fighting a war.
We both met other people and lived separate lives. Which landed us at the previously mentioned chat on facebook that one morning. Andy made a point, we hadn't spent much time together, in fact, over the ten years we had known each other, we had only spent about .0013% of the time in the same room. But I have to disagree with the fact that we never really knew each other--
I knew Andy before I had ever knew what he looked like, I had more hours of phone conversation with him over the last 10 years than any other person. He was the first boy to tell me I was beautiful. I once cried to him over a stupid breakup with one of my countless boyfriends, I yelled at him when things weren't going exactly how it was supposed to, and we shared meaningless thoughts about the most random things but we listened to each other. At one point I knew Andy, I was close to him. Maybe not now, but I did. I may not know his family or his favorite food, but I know a part of Andy. And in retrospect of who I used to be, I know a part of me, that naive 12 year old girl, devoured every moment of conversation with Andy, and loved the relationship we used to have.
It is unsettling that Andy doesn't think he ever knew me, especially when I recall such great moments with him...but at the same time, I feel assured that I, at least, knew Andy and I know I shared a lot about myself with him, so maybe it is his loss that he doesn't remember those times or chose to remember our 'innocent' years. But I have to thank him for those memories and wish him the best in his future endeavours.

bummed and beaten

I know, I know it has been a while. My life finally picked up which leaves little to no downtime for me. Guess I took my 2 month unemployment break for granted. I finally have a job- not glamorous by any means but hopefully it can prepare me to get to the next step in the company if things go well. So far, I am having a rough time. Aside from being the new associate in a building full of people who have been coworkers for over a year, I am still having a tough time fitting in. I try to be friendly, outgoing and interested in all they have to offer but I can't help but feel they are holding back from accepting me. Look, I know I have to offer a lot to this company, I am educated, dedicated and full of personality and experience...but no one is letting me show it. I feel like either they assume I should already know everything down to the last detail (which of course I don't, I have only been there a month and only know what I have been trained thus far) or that they need to loom over everything I am doing to make sure it is perfect and if for some reason it isn't I am to be berated and bullied (in front of customers mind you) to 'put me in my place', which in retrospect, is 'the new person'....it is a never ending cycle.

Needless to say I have surrendered. I no longer try to be included in conversation or tasks at work. I keep to myself and focus on the task given. When I have a question, I will ask someone, only to receive eye rolls or a less than vauge answer that makes me wonder if they even bother to point me into the correct direction because either they honestly don't care or they don't want to share information and keep it to themselves for their personal benefit. Every night I go home defeated by them, I try not to let it get me down but its hard when you try your best and continuously get pushed down after you succeed at something.

Friends and family tell me that I should not try to prove anything to them, but don't I have to? They are my co-workers, they should feel confident in my knowledge and they obviously are choosing not to be. They have to see that I am somewhat beneficial to the company and that I am trying my best. I am sorry but anyone who doesn't strive to prove something at their job should reasses their goals, you have to prove something to somebody to get anywhere. Before the 'but you have to do it for yourself' motivational speech, I must repeat what I have mentioned before- I am educated (bachelors in business communication), experienced (degree aside, I have been working in customer service since I was 14, and have been very successful at it), dedicated (I graduated college in 3 years and made the dean's list, I also have always strived for the best whether it be at school or my job), and full of personality (I shouldn't have to explain this...I know myself well enough thank you ;) ). Long story short, I DO do it for myself, thats why I am taking risks, trying hard, thats why I strived for a higher education--for myself. Now I need to prove it to them, which is hard when they care less about me.

I know not many people read this blog...but if you do, I need advice, a pep-talk, encouraging words. What am I to do? I don't just want to give up and quit. Not only do I need the money but I am also relying on the health benefits (which I cannot get otherwise due to a pre-existing condition). Besides financial gain, I like this type of work and would like to be successful at THIS place because I know I am good at it. This is a hump I need to either get over or I need to do something........please help.

Pumping gas

One thing about Oregon that amazes me is that the gas stations provide a person to pump gas for you. What?
Of course- I, bred, born and raised as a Montanan, find this odd. People in Montana seem to enjoy doing things for themselves and we certainly don't like someone on or around our rig. I don't know about you, but handing a total stranger my cash or card out of a car window doesn't seem like the most safe or legit transaction. In Montana, a man would find nothing sexier than a woman leaning up against her vehicle waiting for the pump to fill to an even $30...don't even get me started on windshield washing either.
As Queen of Awkward Encounters, Oregon gas stations provide a perfect venue. The first time I went to gas, I panicked. What if I rolled down the wrong window? Or ran over his foot? What if I pulled in the wrong way? Told him the wrong grade? Luckily, none of the above occured, however, I was not in the clear.
I handed my card to a younger man (we'll call him Jose) and told him to fill it up. Okay, not so bad. He did his thing and while it was filling he poked his head in my window. He said "You know, when you get a fill up you get a free fountain soda". Hmmm, I thought, I did have a 6.5 hour drive ahead of me, a free soda wouldn't be a bad idea. I unbuckled my seatbelt and went to open the door but Jose stopped me. "Oh no, I will go get it for you, what kind would you like?" I thought this was odd, I looked at the gas station sign to make sure I wasn't at a Sonic. "Um, diet coke/pepsi I guess" I said. Jose ran into the store and came out with the 64 oz. diet pepsi. At this point I thought wow, this whole gas pumping gig isn't too bad after all.
Then it all changed.
I thanked Jose, rebuckled my seat belt and turned on the engine, ready to depart. But Jose, knocked on my window- what was wrong? Was I not supposed to tur on the engine? Was my car about to explode? Nope, Jose wanted to know more about me and Montana (My license plates revealed my home planet). I did the usual MT related banter (No, I don't live on a farm, yes, there are mountains where I am from, and I have never rode a horse before...you know, the important stuff). I told him I was on my way there to signal the end of our encounter, so Jose ditched all planned efforts and went for the kill. "So can I have you number?" He asked. I have to give it to Jose, the man did fetch me a beverage and cleaned my windshield...but I kind of have a thing called a boyfriend and I don't think he'd appreciate me bringing home the guy who pumps my gas. So I apologized to Jose and sped off to Montana, a place where a lady can pump her own gas :)

My alias names

Still sitting at home, jobless. Don't worry, I have had a few interviews and I am waiting for a result of a job I had two interviews for (fingers crossed!). So I find myself bored and looking for anything that will satisfy my free time that doesn't involve cleaning. So, here is something I had spent about 4 minutes doing:

MY ALIAS NAMES:

My rockstar name (first pet and current car): Doc Aveo

My gangsta name (favorite ice cream flavor & cookie): Peppermint chunky chips ahoy

My 'Fly Girl' name (first name initial and first 3 letters of last name): A-Dob

My detective name (favorite color & animal): Red Moose

My Star Wars name (first 3 letters of last name & 2 letters of first): DobAm

My superhero name (2nd favorite color & favorite drink): The Purple Margarita

My Nascar name (first names of both my grandfathers): Barry Jerry

My stripper name (favorite perfume and candy): Paris chocolate

My witness protection name (mother & fathers middle names): Diane Jay

And now for my news article linking all the names:

Retired Nascar racer, Barry Jerry, is in some hot water after a stripper, who has only been identified by her performing name, 'Paris Chocolate', was found strangled in Jerry's New York condominium. According to a witness who is going by the alias 'Diane Jay', the suspect met the victim at a promotional party for this summer's superhero blockbuster "The Purple Margarita". Rockstar Doc Aveo, who was performing at the event, supposedly introduced the two over cocktails. Aveo's backup dancer and girlfriend, fly girl, A-Dob, has been a close aquaintance of 'Paris Chocolate' since they met as extras on the set of 2007's "Star Wars V: The return on DobAm". Detective Red Moose, who has been following this case, claims Jerry may not be the only suspect. An arrest warrant has been released for Gangster rapper Peppermint Chunky Chocolate Chips Ahoy who was seen leaving the condo early yesterday morning, before Miss Chocolate was later found by Jerry's housekeeper. Barry Jerry is in custody but has insisted he is not guilty.

Okay, back to real life. :)

I made it. Officially an Oregonian!!

Well here I am blogging in the livingroom of my new home. I am all moved in, unpacked and relaxed for the first time in well, a long time. The move was horrific! Not only was my one bedroom apartment too small to fit any boxes in, it was also hot, dusty and torn apart for the week leading up to the move. I was proactive and started the cleaning a week before moving day, but once I had boxes stacked up in my apartment...it made cleaning and keeping things clean very difficult. About halfway through the packing, I ran out of boxes and everything was at a stand-still. I tried to continue cleaning by moving the boxes around and even moving them to my balcony outside but lucky me, Montana was in the middle of raining and hailing for the third week in a row. I searched for more boxes but came up short. Appearantly June is a very popular time to move homes in a college town and every place was fresh out of boxes in all sizes. So I had to wait for when Kory came to get me to bring more boxes. Meanwhile, I hadn't bought groceries in over a week and aimed to finish what I had accumulated in my refrigerator...but after throwing out everything that had expired, I had a limited selection. By the third day before the BIG move, I was out of food. I tried to get take out, but that became expensive, I tried to eat my big meals at work but then my last day came and went, I bought minimal groceries but not enough to last through the week and I found myself hungry and on my way to binge somewhere. When Kory came into town the night before Moving Day, we entered my apartment to find a home that resembled the result of an explosion. Kory was shocked, saying how surprised he was to find that I wasn't close to being done with packing. This annoyed me. OF COURSE I WASN'T CLOSE TO BEING DONE...I RAN OUT OF BOXES! Packing goes like this-
Step 1: remove sorted item(s) from previous location. Step 2: Put in designated box
Well, what was missing from the equation was the box needed for step 2, thus I had to leave the majority of things in their 'previous location' as mentioned in step 1 because there is no point in making a mess out of the limited living space I had left. Whatever.
The next morning signaled the day from HELL. It started at 7:30, where we had to pick up our U-Haul trailer that was too small, so we had to upgrade. $221 later, we had the perfect size trailer. When we got back, we started to fill up the U-haul. Two people carrying a trampoline, a vanity, a matress, a clothes dresser, a couch and countless heavy boxes down three flights of stairs in the summer weather became exhausting. Then came the cleaning, down on all fours, sweating, scrubbing, sweeping, washing and so on, for hours. By around 8pm we were all packed up and ready to go. Our destination was 7 hours away and we were dog-tired. We decided to get some food and sit a while before the drive.
After our Mackenzie River cobb salads we decided to drive a few hours and spend the night at a hotel, driving all the way to Oregon in the dark while tired just seemed to be too dangerous, especially with a trailer. So we drove for about 2.5 hours and spent the next 45 minutes looking for a place to stay. Lucky us, 'Hoop Fest' was happening in both Missoula , MT and Spokane, WA and all the hotels in and in between appeared to have no vacancy. But in Kellogg, ID we found a dive-type of motel off the interstate.
It was a run-down, older bar/motel, the type of place that people can stay for months if they have to. Kory had to check-in behind the bar the motel was attached to, ahhhhh, we got a room!!!! Room #3 to be exact. But when we headed toward our 'suite' we found there were no numbers on the door, when we found our room we were shocked at how run down and well, for lack of a better term, dirty it was... I hadn't showered in over 24 hours and was ready to enjoy a hot one, but Kory informed me that the towel available in the bathroom has some hair on it. Forget the shower. I remove the comforter on the bed and pull it to the floor, I heard about all that is on hotel bed spreads and usually don't let it bother me, but this time I find it is best to just sleep with the sheets that I pray are clean. We settle in on the low, squeaky bed both sore and tired. We watch some TV but find it takes too much effort to pay attention and focus on the screen. Kory tuns it off. I try to drift off to sleep but hear conversations above us, an Xbox game booming next to us, a couple outside our room smoking and conversing and in the other room beside us, two dogs barking...Mitch cannot relax and keeps getting up from the bed and going to the door. The bed is uncomfortable and loud, the thought of people out and about at this hour makes me worry about the trailer full of my possessions outside. Needless to say, I slept lousy that night. But hey $39 for a night at a motel isn't too bad... right?
In the morning, we sprung into action, we still had about 5 hours to go and after a big, heavy breakfast next door, we knew we had to get going. When we pulled into the driveway of my new home, I felt excited to be in a new place and to be done with driving but then I reminded myself of all that unpacking that still had to be done.
For the next few days, we unpacked everything and settled in fine. I am getting used to the new place but miss everyone at home, especially the family. Kory's family is taking good care of me though and it is nice to be with Kory again. I am still looking for that 'dream job' but finding that it may not exist. But any job that will move me forward will do :) Next week we will embark on a Oregon coast vacation with Kory's family that should be a good time. Till then, I will be at home all day watching "Who's the Boss", "Golden Girls" and "Beverly Hills 90210"...oh and finding a job ;)

Our Story

With the big move fastly approaching (5 days in counting), I find myself reflecting on all the changes in my life that have blindsided me in the past 2 years. I have also encounted a vast amount of questions about my relationship with Kory. People are curious about the guy that is dragging me to Oregon and want to know about our relationship. One of the many questions are: "How did you two meet?" Well, I was blindsided with a romance with Kory. Now I do not go on to tell people the whole story I am about to share with you, I usually just mention that we met through a mutual friend and move on but there is so much more to that...

I met Kory over 3 years ago when I came over to his house to hang with a friend, who just so happened to be Kory's roommate. It went something like this-

"Amber, this is my roommate Kory, Kory this is Amber". Pretty basic introduction.

Now, when I was a little girl and I thought of meeting the love of my life I pictured my heart beating out of my chest like in the cartoons, time turning into slow motion as the song "Take My Breath Away" echoed through the room, this was not the case with Kory. I can safely say it was NOT love at first sight, and I am sure Kory can agree. But wait...what was wrong with him then? Why didn't we jump into eachothers arms and promise to 'never let go' like Jack and Rose on the Titanic?

It is pretty simple why none of the hollywood crap above happened- because Kory was dating someone else, well not only dating but living with her. That alone exempts any attraction or thoughts of being with him. Was I upset at this? Nope, I didn't care...like I said, I just met the guy and really didn't give it much thought. When I would come to the house I would see him, we didn't have much exchange and just went about our own business.

A few months later, I found myself in an odd position, while spending the summer home in Kalispell, I found out I might be homeless when school started that fall. The mutual friend offered me a room at the home they were currently residing in and I happily obliged, especially since the shcool was in walking distance of the house. So in late August 2007, I moved into the house with the mutual friend, Kory, and Kory's girlfriend. Yup, you heard it here first, Kory and I lived together before we even dated. Not only that, I lived with one of Kory's girlfriends, now aren't we just one happy family?

As roommates, Kory and I had the same relationship as mentioned before when we first encounted eachother, we may have shared some small chit chat but never spent anytime together. We just shared the same living space. No big deal.

With another semester under my belt I returned to Kalispell for winter break. During that time, I stayed in touch with mutual friend who informed me over the phone that Kory's girlfriend had moved out after a spat of some sort. Did I jump up, put on hot leather pants, and make my move on Kory? Nope. I didn't really care, as long as my rent didn't go up.

When I returned in Janurary to start the new semester, mutual friend asked me if I would spend time with Kory since we usually excluded him from our hang out time and Kory was now by himself. So I started to hang out with him at home. I would usually sit there and glance at the TV show he was watching or we would play a board game, sometimes we surfed the internet looking at females body parts and rated them. Yes, another odd dynamic, we looked at nude pictures together before we ever dated.

Eventually Kory started to open up and vice versa. I found out he was funny, sometimes silly and smart. Did I think he was dull and ditsy before? No, I just didn't get to know him until then. He also started to appear more attractive to me, not that I thought he didn't look good before but I never let myself feel attraction to him when he had a girlfriend. One day, while watching TV, I complained to him that no one texted me anymore and acted dramatic that my electronic social life was ending. Shortly there after my phone vibrated. A number not recognized by my phone lit up and the message read "hi". It was Kory. After that we developed a friendship via text. We still talked in person but even sitting next to eachother we would text secrets and have deep conversations. Soon my heart started to flutter when I recieved a message from him and I was developing feelings. People started noticing, in particular, mutual friend.

One day, via text message, Kory told me he wanted to kiss me. I was shocked but estatic. And minutes later I found myself at the bottom of the staircase in his arms sharing a long kiss. Then that kiss turned into many secret kisses, stolen before bed, after class, in the kitchen when we were alone and for a while, no one knew of our secret romance. And then, like all love stories-

THE CRAP HIT THE FAN.

Mutual friend found out that Kory and I were kissing, because he walked in on it. Then, being the head tennant told Kory he had to move out. Why? Because it turns out mutual friend liked me as more than a friend, a feeling that was not mutual. Kory disclosed our relationship to exgirlfriend who did not appreciate him moving on so soon and lead to more havoc. In that 24 hour period, no one was a winner. Kory and I hurt people we cared about, but was wanting be with him wrong? I regretted that my actions hurt one of my friends, but I didn't regret my actions. After that, we took time apart and then talked when we had a moment alone, we decided we wanted to try dating exclusively and Kory moved out, just in time for our first date later that weekend. Where things awkward at the house with mutual friend? Yes. Was seeing exgirlfriend out and about causing me to feel a twinge of guilt for hurting a nice person's feelings? Absolutely. But time heals all wounds, and I know in the end she found someone she could love and I found mine.

Kory and I faced a lot together when we started dating, sometimes I am surprised we got through it. Now, over two years later and still in love, we are starting a life together in a new place. The tough stuff isn't over yet but I've got my stinky and my puppy with me to get me through.

I love you Kory.

My decision

It seems that my life has taken quite a turn since we last blogged, quite a bittersweet turn that is. You see, I was becoming one of 'those' girls, you know, the type who worked hard their whole life and then once they reach a certain goal they just 'settle' into something they are completely comfortable and used to doing.
For me that was waiting tables and living in a one bedroom apartment with my pup. I was doing fine, making a living off of serving people food and beverage, going home with a decent amount of tips each night, and doing it all again the next night and all weekend. But then, after two years of being a Hooters Girl (please hold the gasp and the soap box speech), I found that it was time to hang up my pantyhose and orange shorts and move on with a career I actually went to school for. One problem: Montana is NOT the place to be trying to get a job at right now, especially one that 200+ college graduates want and will apply for as well.
So, I swallowed my pride and decided to make a big move for myself and my relationship. My boyfriend moved to Oregon months before I made up my mind to follow, he also was tired of 'settling' for a dead end job and started a career in the feild he got his degree in. We talked about me reloacting eventually for months but I never made that definate decision until about 2 months ago. Thus I put in my notice with work and my landlord, I started making arrangements to move, found a place to live and started job searching. I had a few interviews but no luck so far. Thats okay, everything will work out eventually, right?
The hard part is telling people in MT about the move. Especially people who know me well. My family aside (they are surprisingly supportive about this move), people tend to take the news as a shock. I get surprised looks and concerned questions like:
"what are you going to do there!?"
"So you are moving to like, no where?"
"Is Kory going to marry you? Are you sure you aren't just changing your life for a guy?"
or my personal favorite because lets face it, my friends aren't the smartest people in the world-
"OMG you are going to LOVE Portland!"
Haha, why does it seem when people think about Oregon they assume Portland is the only thing out there? I like Portland too but I am able to grasp that there are other places besides Portland in Oregon. It seems that Montanans have no idea of what lies beyond our state boarder unless it is a large town like Boise, Spokane, Seattle and Portland. If they can't picture you in one of those towns, it is as if you fell down a hole in a tree to a mystical land of the unknown, and they panic...thinking you will be lost in a thick Canadian forest dying of thirst and hunger.
Then, once I tell them I am indeed not moving to Portland they pity me, asking how far from Portland I will be (so that way I can get my city-fix I guess), or they assume the next available association with Oregon and say-
"Ahh I LOVE going to the coast, you are so lucky to be living right by the ocean." Alright, I get that Oregon is closer to the ocean then Montana is, but realistically, I have been to Oregon multiple times in my life and not once have I ever seen or been to the Oregon coast while visiting. Why? Because Oregon isn't Hawaii, I am not surrounded by ocean, and my home is not by the Ocean and if I do go to the coast it will be because I am getting in the car, driving for hours and staying a few days there because it is far from where I live.
On second thought, maybe it is best I am getting out of here ;)

Craigslist: missed connections- proof of my dog park theory.

I know, I know...I am a totally taken woman, but sometimes I find myself browsing the Personals of the phenomenon that is CRAIGSLIST. It gives me an insight as to what my fellow missoulians are doing, or better yet who they're hoping to do. My favorite is 'Missed Connections' because the majority of the time you know it is a guy that totally read the situation completely wrong trying to be romantic or witty to find his 'long lost'.... stranger via an anonymous posting. So today, I was doing my weekly browse, laughing, crying, gawking and come to find out there is a thread under 'Missed Connections' titled:
Dog Park Girl- m4w - 27
I couldn't believe it, I mean I could because of my previous post and past experiences prove that it is a REAL proven theory that people use the dog park to find a date. I of course couldn't pass this post up and clicked on it and read the following-

We stopped and talked the other day for a long time about your two unique dogs and I meant it wwhen I said that you have the biggest heart I'd seen in a long time. I would love to get to know you better and I haven't seen you at the park since so I hope you see this. You were a brunette and had on a light purple shirt and a smile that almost knocked me off my feet. I was the guy with the mutt that really liked you. Coffee? Drinks? Walk with our dogs??

Hahahaha priceless :)

It's a dog park, not a singles bar!

Lets face it. I love my dog, Mitch. He is my hobby, my happiness and well, as sad as it may seem, my child. So when beautiful weather comes around, it means one thing- the Bark Park. The Bark Park is a local dog park that is fenced in and leads out into a penninsula surrounded by a river. Nothing makes any dog more excited than going to the dog park, being unleashed and free to socialize with other dogs, swim, and pee everywhere. Its a funny thing to see what happiness truly looks like on a dog when they are humping another dog at the Bark Park, but everyone lets it slide because, its the dog park- Disneyland for canines.

But there is a catch about the freedom of the Bark Park. Men, and probably a few women, use this social situation to find someone to date. We all know the golden truth that two things can make ANY man irresistable... babies and dogs. So you can imagine the single men that appear there. They usually have one dog, a bigger breed like a lab, retriever or rott. They appear to be laid back, athletic and care-free, but you still notice that gleam in their eyes saying "Yup, thats my dog and yup, I'm available". And if you know Mitch, he is the friendliest, most playful dog in the park so when our dogs meet and play, its time for the approach. Thats right, nobody is a better wing man than man's best friend!!

It usually starts with a line like "Have I seen you here before?" or "Cute dog, what's his name?" and unlike a bar, you can't simply roll your eyes and walk away or pretend the music is too loud to hear, you have to answer to avoid any awkwardness around you. Then after the 'Get to Know My Dog' exchange, it turns into 'Get to Know You so Then I Can get in Your Pants" routine.

Thus it seems you can't get away...you start to move on to follow your dog and they follow you, striking up any thing to talk about (i.e. weather, other dog activities, or 'do you know my friend so and so?'). I am trapped. He even tries to play the "Wow, your dog really likes me!" and I so badly want to yell "Actually he likes anyone who gives him attention!"

I round up Mitch and put his leash on, signaling the closing of the Bark Park exchange. But, he goes ahead to do the same thing to his dog, which means, we are leaving together. The worse part is when he insists on walking me to my car, or acting like we are parked in the same area, which usually is never the case. Then as I put my dog into the car, he resorts to the last attempt, that shaves away all his self-dignity, which usually sounds like the following:

"So since our dogs like eachother, we should take them on a hike sometime" (yeah buddy, we will meet again just for our dogs enjoyment)

OR

"So what are you doing know? We should get a drink or something..." (Really, you mean you were just on your way to a bar? How about you keep the drink and give me the money?)

AND MY FAVORITE, BECAUSE I ADMIRE A MAN WHO GETS TO THE POINT:

"Can I have your number?" (This way I can give it to him straight...'No, I have a boyfriend', or better yet, 'Genital Herpes'...that way there is no getting around it)

Then me, and the one my heart truly belongs to, go home together...

BTW- I don't really have genital herpes or any form of sexually transmitted disease. :)

Swimsuit Contest: FIN!

Yesterday marked the closing of another chapter in the universe that is Hooters, the local swimsuit contest. I have been working very hard on my body since the new year, its not that I thought I had weight to lose but I had some areas to tone and strengthen. I joined a bootcamp, hit the cardio machines a couple more times a week and 6 weeks ago, I modified my diet to kick start my metabolism. The work paid off, I can proudly say that I got up in front of over a hundred people and rocked it, strutted my stuff, and saw so many awesome people there who supported me. It was really fun, even back stage with all my favorite girls.

I didn't win, but thats okay. I have a lot going for me in my life, I don't want to be a model and I don't think of Hooters as my life. I mostly did it to motivate me to get in shape, something to look forward to and have fun. I am in the best shape I have ever been in my life an it feels amazing. I look in the mirror and I am proud to see what reflects, I am confident.

P.S. In the picture above, it should be noted that the tanner that is on my face and body is for competition only and is NOT an actual tan, it washes off. A lot of people who see the pics are like "OMG that tan is insane"....no, it is very fake ;)

Luck

On April 3rd, 2010 at 9:25 AM, my ringing phone woke me up. I, half way still asleep, answered the call from the caller listed as 'unknown' on my cell phone's screen.

"Hello?" I murmured.

"Hi, is this Amber?" a chipper woman on the other end asks.

"Yes..." I reply.

"This is Renee from the Hamilton Police 911 Emergency Center, I am calling to inform you someone reported finding your purse. A man found it in a river in Hamilton while he was fly fishing and wants to return it to you."

I immediately woke up...a week ago, my purse was stolen from my car.

She continued to give me the man's contact information and long story short- I GOT MY PURSE BACK! It was sopping wet and dirty. Obviously rummaged through, the contents that were once organized in my wallet where strewn about at the bottom of my purse. The hard earned cash was taken (of course) but my cards, phone, lip gloss etc. were left for a watery fate. While I have no more use for the canceled bank cards, dirty lip gloss, and destroyed cell phone, I feel like I received some closure. I was hurt and upset someone did this to me, but now I feel like this is a sign from God that it is time to move on...with a new purse of course.

"world peace"

Some may already know I am competing in the 2nd Annual Swimsuit Competition. I am not one of those 'pageant' girls but I had fun last year so I am excited to do it again! This year, they've added an interview portion that will be between the evening wear and the swim wear portions. Now this wont be like Miss America pageant questions- just silly little 'get to know you' questions. So like Sauce @ Girl & Guitar blog, I have decided to answer these questions before I am put on the spot:

1. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? I have no idea, the world is my oyster and I know God will lead me in the right direction. However, if I were to play make believe and guess the best possible future for myself I'd say married to a devastatingly handsome, rich man with the 2.5 kids in a large suburban home with a pool and a golden retriever.

2. Whats the worse pickup line you have heard? "My attraction to you is like diarreah, I just can't hold it in" ....Enough said.

3. What is your favorite word? It is a total toss up between gerbil and musty. Don't ask why.

4. If you had a billion dollars, what would you do with it? I would invest it into my own trampoline business and buy every gum ball in the world

5. Do you have any nicknames, if so, what are they? Yes, 'Ambie Pooh' or just simply 'Ambie', I don't know why...it just sort of caught on.

6. Who is your favorite professional athlete? Honestly, Pro athletes have really been letting me down lately...can a person behave in the lime light??

7. Describe your dream man- Someone who is proud to be with me and isn't afraid to share it with the world! Handsome, rich and worships the ground I walk on is a plus too :)

8. What is your favorite feature? Physically, I love my chest...yes, they are real AND they're FABULOUS! Nonphysical, I'd say my honesty and spunk.

9. What was your worst dating experience? HAHA so many so little time, I'd say when a guy took me to dinner, let it slip he had a girlfriend and then took me to her house so I could meet her...awkward?

10. Have you ever cheated on a test? Yes and anyone who says they haven't is a liar!!

11. What is your favorite activity to do at work? Its a toss up between popping the balloons at the end of the night or dancing to the awesome 80's hits!

12. Describe yourself in 3 words- Witty, classy, and silly

13. Whats the weirdest thing to happen to you at work? A middle-aged man came in and honestly asked if we served breast milk...um no.

14. Describe your first kiss- AAAAAHHHH Justin W.....my first LOVE. 7th grade during the 4th quarter at a high school football game, I wasn't expecting tounge and we hit teeth. It was a slobbery, awkward good time.

15. What did you want to be as a child? A professional ballerina, that was before I realized I would turn out to be 5'3 and curvy, damn genetics!

16. What is your favorite food to eat @ work? Naked Daytona wings, extra crispy, hold the ranch, and a heaping side of hot seasoned curly fries with jalepeno cheese sauce. Mmmmm IF ONLY CALORIES DIDN'T EXIST!

17. What is the most memorable day that you've ever had? I have no idea, so many wierd things happen to me I could write a book.

18. Tell us your favorite joke- If a girl who is well endowed works at Hooters where does a girl with one leg work? IHOP :)

19. Why do you want to win this bikini contest? Because everyone here knows about the natural beauty Montana has, Now lets put it on the MAP!

20. What do you love most about Montana? The gorgeous sunsets, valleys that are hugged by big blue mountains, the open space and my family is here, this is home :)

Why??

I don't know how people can be so darn MEAN!!! I have been having a tough time lately, my boyfriend moved to OR, I absolutely despise the new nutrition plan I am on, I feel so burned out from work and this time of year gets me, well, a little depressed (I blame it on the loooonnng Montana winter!) So when I am finally feeling like I am getting over the hump- THIS happens to me:
My car is broken into and I am robbed.

See what happened was, after a stressful week of work, I decided to spend a night out with some close girl friends, something we plan to do together once a month and it is always a blast. So we go out to dinner, have cocktails, chit chat and go dancing...I was having so much fun until I decided to head home for the night. As I approached my car, I notice a lot of my things strewn about the parking lot, like my tanning bed goggles and a to-go box that I put my left-over steak in after dinner. I wondered if I accidentitly dropped these on my way into the club a few hours before but then I notice that my driver side window is completely blown out and a ton of small glass shards are littering the ground and my vehicle interior. In shock I opened my car door to hear more glass fall from the empty hole that used to be my window. I immediately started searching for any of my belongings. Come to find out my purse, my cell phone, my sunglasses and minsculaneous items are taken. Now, at this point of the story people ask me why I didn't have my purse with me and the reason is because I am notorious for losing/leaving my purse when I go ANYWHERE, so when I go out at night where I will be walking around from bar to bar I avoid carrying my purse (I just take my I.D., keys, and some cash in my pocket). I usually push my purse under the seat but that didn't stop the intruder(s).

So after the intial shock of finding my car vandalized and robbed, I borrowed someone's phone and called the police. I expected that a squad car would come and investigate the situation, but instead a woman asked me a ton of questions about what was stolen and it's worth. I asked her when the police would come, she said- 'sorry but the only thing we can do is write a report'. So I drove home without a window and any way to contact anyone.

I moved fast as soon as I got to a phone, I called the bank to have my credit/debit cards deactivated, my check account frozen, and identity theft protection to back me up (Lucky me, my social security card was stolen too). The bank, sympathetic to my situation, order me a new set of checks with no cost! As for my phone, it turns out that extra $5 a month insurance comes in handy- my replacement cell is being priority shipped and will arrive tomorrow. I got into contact with my car insurance company, they had replaced and cleaned up the glass fragments in no time (very impressed with Farmers Insurance!) with a suprisingly small deductible.

So I guess my day turned out ok, I just hope I can get past this and sleep better. It seems everytime I am ANYWHERE I am constantly thinking about my car and if it is ok. Im afraid to put ANYTHING in my car, even stupid things like hand sanitizer, because I am terrified it will be taken from me. Then again maybe this is a lesson to be more responisible with my things, or to not leave my car for an extended period of time at night? I am not sure but I sure don't know how to get past what happened. I highly doubt the person(s) that did this knew me or had anything against me, maybe they were on meth or homeless? Maybe thats how they get by or maybe they had a bad day...either way I feel violated, upset, scared and I am taking it personal, even though I shouldn't. Oh well...here is to a new day!!

Conversation Hearts 2010= not a good idea

I have always loved Valentines Day, especially for the CANDY! My favorite is sweethearts or conversation hearts made by Necco. I start buying them when they hit the stores after Christmas and make sure to buy in BULK BABY! But this year, I am very dissapointed. It seems Necco has decided to "modernize" the classic candy hearts...and it turns out to be for the worse. :(

I loved the pleasant, sweet, yet subtle taste of the sweethearts before, and the texture agreed with me. Now, all hearts come in bright (almost toxic looking colors) and gross fruity tangy flavors like: sour apple, blue raspberry, lemon, orange, grape and strawberry- then they crumble into a soft powdery substance in my mouth, Kory (the human garbage disposal) didn't like them either. I noticed the packaging was a little different but shrugged it off thinking they updated it to appeal to kids but wouldn't think Necco would ever mess with a traditional, American favorite. I bought two big bags before I tasted them and now I want my $1.98 back!

I have looked in numerous stores for the original candy but have yet to find them...my Valentines Day is ruined this year. But I didn't let my disappointment go un-noticed, I emailed a complaint to Necco and waiting for an explanation for such a drast change on my favorite candy. If you agree with me on the change, visit Necco.com and file a complaint in the 'contact us' section.

Can you tell I am passionate about my candy?

Hard Stuff

Sometimes I wish you would at least try to understand how hard it is for me to imagine such a big change in my life. You say that it is all on my plate and only I can make the decison but you should also try to understand that because you are such a big part of my life, I depend on you to help me with my decision. No matter how much you disagree, you ARE an influence in almost every major decision of my life. I am so scared of the unknown and I know that if you give me your love and support I will make the best decision.